Drenched in Purgatory
|Route of Administration
Dose snorted. It stings quite a lot, it’s a lot of powder and its vastly uncomfortable. The sting doesn’t strike right away, rather it’s a slow burn that builds in intensity by the second. Tears stream from my eyes as it sets in more and more. The odor is that of bitter arylcyclohexylamine petroleum with a bit of nasty rancidity.
The drip is dreadful. It stings my palate and my throat the whole way down and makes me almost want to retch. The flavor is also unpleasant, sodium bicarbonate with a bitter edge to it that ever so slightly stings whatever it touches. I am beginning to feel the first notes of an onset, feeling dizzy, distant, and lightheaded, but I am mostly focused on this intense discomfort from administration.
I am beginning to feel distinctly dissociated, with my fingertips feeling numb, gooey, and uncoordinated, though it is still very light. As I read the words on my screen I can begin to see ripples and waves run through them, synchronized with long slow pulses of dissociation that run through my entire body from my feet to my head. There isn’t much of a rush or anything, it’s slowly and slowly setting in, deep bass notes from the heart of some great unknown void, booming towards me ever so slowly. I am sill intensely focused on the residual physical discomfort in my face. This stuff feels so caustic.
A bit of a bubbling inflating pleasurable euphoria begins to set in now, like a little hiss of air escaping a tire. It feels like my head is suddenly very heavy and I am having a hard time holding it up. There is a distinct buzzing feeling in my face specifically, like I am wearing a heavy vibrating metal helmet that wraps around it. The rest of my body feels like it has been turned to putty and is being slowly readjusted to different sizes and proportions.
As of now I would describe the experience as predominantly gentle and dreamy, there is no intense stimulation or mania to note. It is still quite mild relative to how I enjoy dissociatives and I begin to wonder if this was an effective dose or if I should redose. I decide to wait it out a little more.
Feeling loose, flowy, uninhibited, it is really beginning to show now, building more and more by the second, accelerating without showing any sign of slowing down. Perhaps I did do a proper dose. The buzzing around my jaw increases, numbness runs down my limbs, but it isn’t the total dissolution of proprioception and excess momentum that dissociatives can often induce, it’s is simply a still and static numbness. My body is slowly and quietly turning to nothing without much fuss or fanfare or any sort of rush. It’s like suddenly being caught outside in a rainstorm, I am drenched in dissociation.
I begin to feel dizzy and nauseous, not the bitter drug induced nausea but a queasiness reminiscent of seasickness or motion sickness. My head is spinning and it is getting harder and harder to read words as I begin to get double vision. I don’t really know what to think or say about this, my mind feels so inhibited and blank. I feel distant, wiped clean, left to simply observe as my internal self is siphoned away with my sense of a body, leaving some dreadfully neutral phantom placeholder of a person in its place. I begin to feel twitchy and paranoid and anxious, but not for any rational reason because it is hard to put coherent thoughts together, it’s just a visceral feeling.
I feel on edge, like something is creeping up my spine. I am falling into the stomach of a deep deep hole, there is a persistent sense of sinking. I am caught off guard by the sudden intensity of this experience.
I have distinct closed eyed visuals of distant murky skyscrapers encircling the immense swallowing void that I am descending into. Bits and pieces of recent memories float by, visual cues of places I had been earlier that day and the day before, of the sights I saw and the feelings I felt. I feel like I am treading water in the middle of a vast ocean, these little flecks of memory like pieces of flotsam after a shipwreck, drifting by on the currents. Most notably however, memories from far before begin to trickle in too, in even greater clarity than the recent ones, vivid experiences from my teenage years, of who I was and how I felt through my tumultuous and awkward puberty. It is pleasant to see and acknowledge and dance with these deeply buried memories, to know that they are still deep within my brain somewhere. But it is fleeting, they drift by like all the others in this big empty current and my cognitive function is so disrupted that I feel like I can’t really give them full consideration, just aimlessly grope around their essence.
With my eyes open it looks like everything is flashing, just relentlessly strobing like seeing the lights of an emergency vehicle cast on a brick wall. I am just a quiet witness to this. Broad stripes of color and discolor steadily march down my vision, all of it feels so matter of fact and beyond my control. There are strong notable flashing afterimages when I close my eyes.
Most of the dissociation is centered on my skull now, it feels like a weighted object floating in the void. The bodily dissociation is an afterthought, there’s none of the intense active disintegration of feeling, but rather simply a stark and blank absence of sensing my body at all. It feels as though the lower half of my body is just unraveling and streaming away. Nonetheless, if I want to get up and move I can with little trouble, walking up and down stairs to refill my water is slightly confusing but not as challenging as it is with other heavy doses of dissociatives. I would for the most part describe it as a sedating sensation, where I can really only move if I force myself to. Otherwise I am still, dead weight, feeling little motivation to do more than lie there like a ragdoll. My body feels like a mannequin that doesn’t actually belong to me, just some limp form my mind is appended to. I feel like I’m tripping over my words as I type, it is hard to recall how to use them properly. It is a very empty and confusing space that I am embedded in.
I feel so numb and burned. I feel so uncomfortable but I can’t piece together coherent enough thoughts to define why that is. It is just a visceral essence of something being off. With my eyes closed I have visions of a vast, indistinct space, huge and dim and empty and swirling at its borders in muted tones of violet and maroon. I listen to music but the visuals are not very synesthetic, there is this ultimate sense of just being at the mercy of the flow of this trip, like bobbing on an unstable raft in a middle of a wide river. My body continues to swirl and wind away, negated into absence without issue or distinction, just quiet and neutral and natural and gentle. It feels like ghosts are moving around me, just a sense of some fluttering other brushing me, but it is invisible and indistinct, as everything in this experience is, a huge voluminous phantom with nothing at its core. Everything is so distinctly smoothed down like it has been sanded, no sharp edges, no punctuated anything, just broad heavy and flat neutrality. Vividly grey emptiness. It is neither warm nor cold, it is not active or passive, it just is, quietly and indistinctly. It evades identification, like a face seen in a dream formed from so many faces seen before. It is elusive in its vacuity.
I’m so dizzy, it genuinely feels like things are spilling out of my brain. I am so confused and lost and adrift, I am frozen in place by the incapacitating empty nonsense of this. My brain is so used to forming thoughts, making sense of things, and all of that has been frozen. Now there is nothing to do, nothing to know. All I can do is just exist.
I feel like I have to jettison something from myself, but continuing the theme of having no clear chain of thought I can’t figure out what it is. I don’t feel so nauseous that I need to throw up or anything. It just feels like something is a part of me that shouldn’t be right now, but I can’t identify it. This entire experience is sensations fleeing from the light like cockroaches, leaving a distilled emptiness behind them. I am a sponge, full of holes, vacuous while the world flows through me, my outer boundaries fractalizing and splitting off to form a dense tunnel that I continue to hurtle down the gullet of. It comes in sickly waves and ripples, slow and still, stalking me like a vengeful phantom. There is no energy behind this, rather it is the sensation of a vacuum being filled in by its surroundings. The visuals, always distant and blurry, begin to form into large blocks that assemble and trail off into nothing, always aimless, always slow and steady. It hangs over me like a ghost carving a hollow out of my mind. With my eyes open I mostly just see shifting colors in muted tones, my vision is blurry and tunneled.
It is still felt mostly in my skull, it feels like my face is wrapped tightly with a wet cloth. I try to piece things together, I try to form an idea of this experience but it keeps coming back to feeling blank. It’s always just blank. Even trying to form thoughts just feels like so much work, it feels like rolling an immense boulder up a hill with little reward. I shouldn’t even bother, I should just sit there and stare at nothing and ride this out. My jaw is mostly just resting open and agape, because that’s easiest. Every aspect of myself right now is the path of least resistance. It’s hard to make sense of any images or text I see at this point, I am just an empty computer with inputs splashing aimlessly against its screen. I just feel so lazy.
The dissociation feels so wet, it is slow and boring and hugging the ground like a dense fog. I just feel like I’m sinking more and more even the more distinct bits of the experience, the silhouettes in the fog and the distant visible images begin to strip away and flutter off into a vast nothing. I am soaking in a tub of nothing, I am continually sinking.
The intensity has taken a sudden downturn. Though the intense hole of this experience came on suddenly and left suddenly, it was never jarring or rattling. It was always just an empty neutral feeling, seeping in and out like water running into a room under the door. It quietly encroaches and quietly recedes like being slowly pounced on by a ghost or overcome with a cloud of gas. It is so slow and gooey and wispy, no mass or substance at all. I feel like I am a in bathtub full of syrup that is slowly being drained, my head has just peaked over the surface. I don’t want to move or do anything really.
I am mostly down now. My thoughts are settling back in and connecting better, I still feel a bit dazed and my extremities are still numb. I feel like I have just been shocked out of my mind and it is reassembling now. Movement feels uncoordinated like I am drunk.
The experience has almost entirely receded at this point, and I just feel dopey and aimless. I am not sure what to do with myself at all but just kind of sit and stare as my mind still pieces itself back together.
I go to sleep. There wasn’t any lasting stimulation that some dissociatives can induce, rather just a lingering sense of emptiness and numbness.
Conclusion / Aftermath
This is a heavy, empty, neutral dissociative. Some dissociatives feel like they force their way into one’s consciousness- this was the opposite. It induced an absolute absence of anything, producing a vast empty void. My brain was left to fill in the gaps. It felt like being adrift in a vast ocean, difficult to form any kind of coherent thoughts or grasp onto anything, just aimless flailing into a yawning nothing. There is no rush, no active intense dissociation, it’s a passive neutral dissociation from a total absence of feeling. The only similarities it had to other PCP analogues was that it wasn’t very physically incapacitating- my body felt like a blank empty mannequin but it wasn’t distorted away as other dissociatives will do, it was just drained of its substance. This drug primarily yielded an extremely intense cognitive dissociation that left me shocked and dumbfounded. No mania, no stimulation, no anything, just pure neutrality and blank emptiness. The cognitive space of the hole tugged gently at memories and associations but they were still distant and indistinct. It is a good way to blur the mind for a time. Also notable was how suddenly and intensely it came and went. It took an hour for an intense peak to set in, which receded without fanfare after about another hour. Most of the comedown was a sense of feeling dazed as I approached baseline. Also noteworthy is the low potency and the intense discomfort of administering it intranasally. It is fairly caustic and other experiments have demonstrated it is active orally and sublingually with a slightly longer duration and similar dose to intranasal, so those are probably better methods of dosing it.