I Am a Big Gushing Fool
|Route of Administration
|Oral in gel cap
Ingested gel cap, smoked a bit of weed.
Starting to feel first onset. It’s a bit of a floaty warmth, an amnesiac numbness.
Peak beginning to set in. Feel very friendly and social, begin to talk my friends’ heads off. One friend says I appear very very ‘high’. Some more people show up at my house. By sheer coincidence almost all of my closest friends are here.
Hang out with a close friend of mine. She knows me better than anyone I think and has been one of my best friends for six years. We have a nice long and deep talk about life and such. It feels deep and honest. I don’t know if it was on par with regular conversation, but it feels like it is certainly profound and long overdue.
I walk my friend home. The sun is setting, the sky is smiling orange, I feel springy and jovial, I want to sing.
I get home. I feel springy and light but not particularly stimulated. I don’t necessarily feel sedated either, my energy level just feels neutral. This is just pure psychedelic empathogenic euphoria, no bodyload and no somatic effects. I begin to gush to my friends about how much they mean to me and how cool and special they all are. I’m sure it’s nice sentiment but I was probably honestly being obnoxious.
I smoke some more with my friends. I am feeling so warm physically and emotionally. I am very lovey dovey I want to cuddle with people, I want to bask in the warmth of their affection and attention, the fact that they forgive how obnoxious I’m being right now is a testament to our friendship… Things look more colorful, I wouldn’t say it was visual in any way other than somehow making colors seem more intense. There are some closed eyed visuals of large moving patches of color. I am still asking my friends awkwardly deep and personal questions when they just want to hang out and have fun. I ask them what gender they think I am. I am in this mindset where everything I say and do in this state will be socially profound, now is the time to ask essential questions and perform social interactions that will change the trajectories of our lives! Of course this is all euphoric delusion. My friends must feel awkwardly put on the spot.
Still rolling. I am talking a lot. Like a lot. I have had personal conversations with people who I didn’t know as well before. That part is pretty cool. I feel like I have been made extremely social, almost too social to the point where the amount of empathy I express is overbearing or alienating. I just can’t shut up. But it feels like nothing can go wrong. I can only think positive thoughts and only imagine positive outcomes of every situation. Depression seems foreign- like the positive solution to everything is so obvious and easy to embrace! Of course this, once again, is just drug induced delusion. I awkwardly ask a friend who admitted a year ago to having a crush on me whether or not I’ve hurt them by being in another relationship and all. Thinking back I am heavily embarrassed for myself, I can’t believe I would just publicly put another friend on the spot like that. I am so giddy and uppity and awkward. The only impediment to socializing I can perceive is my short term memory faltering pretty often, causing me to lose track of conversations.
Feeling mentally stimulated, yet foggy. Imagine a train roaring through the fog. The last 7 hours are foggy in my memory, they feel like they may have been a dream. Usually, only times I’ve been on dissociatives occupy my memory in the same blurred out lo-fi way. Weird. I tested my memory earlier that night to make sure it was still functioning ok and it certainly was. It seems my short term memory has fizzled out. I feel somewhat burnt out, and the comedown almost feels disappointing. I am able to take solace in the fact that I will behave more appropriately to my peers now at least.
Baseline, fall asleep.
Conclusion / Aftermath
This is actually only my second time ever taking an empathogen, and my only time taking one alone. This is dangerous stuff. I make a fool of myself every time, I get too lovey dovey, start asking people personal questions and breaching their privacy and thresholds of socialization. It would maybe be good in a setting where everyone else was on the drug, but I felt like the level of empathy I was expressing was alienating and awkward. I am an awkward person, I have never truly felt like I’ve understood or felt social conventions or empathy, merely imitated them to avoid being ostracized. This seems reflected here, but it acts in a way of justifying my alienated awkwardness. Thus I express it to my fullest capability. I have to be careful with empathogens. I really do.
All in all however, this one is a worthy addition to the toolkit. Perhaps its most interesting feature is its total lack of stimulation. Some have gone so far as to describe is as sedating, but I would say its effects on my body were overall neutral. It is psychedelic too, at least mentally. I adopted the same sort of hyperanalytical and sensitive mindset that psychedelics give me, which mixed well with the completely uninhibited sociability. This could be a valuable tool if I learn how to rein in the uninhibited sociability. In terms of sensor effects, there was a sort of warm numbness reminiscent of dissociatives, with a sort of momentum/springiness/lightness. Sounds sounded deeper, like not deeper in pitch but having clearly discernible layers and dimensions. Visually, the only thing noticeable was a slight color enhancement, or colors appearing warmer as if a magenta overlay was subtly applied. Close eyed visuals were abstract and mostly composed of color fields interacting with one another.