Dying from a Cosmic Slap
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I’m not quite sure what I wanted from this trip, going into it. I just wanted to have a fun evening and enjoy myself, and I felt prepared. In retrospect, as I write this report, I partly feel like I wish I could turn back the clock and be as naive as I was before I dosed.
Dosed all three substances, a bit anxious. Friends had pointed out my drug use as of late, and noted that this was quite a hefty dose of everything. I was slightly concerned, but mostly thought I was fine, as I was planning on curbing my usage entirely, as I was planning a trip in the Netherlands for the next month.
I noticed I was nauseous, and within seconds I noticed I was already tripping hard. I had to go to the bathroom and watched the tiles all tessellate and start drifting, with patterns changing across them.
I’m laying on my side in bed, feeling like I’m going to throw up, and try to drink some water. Within a few minutes I feel like I can’t focus enough on talking on Discord so I lie down on my back, and feel much better. The lights are on and I watch as my entire vision gets covered with geometry and patterns.
I’d closed my eyes at some point, and started having more vivid closed eye geometry than I’ve ever experienced, eventually hallucinating entire scenes.
Time got very blurry by this point, and I’m not actually sure if this bit happened before or after I opened my eyes for the first time, but I saw myself climbing out of a plane crash, gory and mangled bodies around me.
I opened my eyes again, and my entire vision was tinted completely green, as if I had been turned into a frog. If I moved my hand in front of my face and wiggled my fingers the tracers caused me to have 20 fingers floating through the air from that one hand, a trail of geometry left behind, my entire room blending into incredibly intricate and tens of thousands of almost indescribable shapes. Everything was drifting heavily to the point it was almost spinning around me, and my entire body felt extremely stimulated, but no longer nauseous, and at the same time I was disconnected from my own limbs. I was aware of my arms and legs but couldn’t feel anything below my neck, except for the stimulation and warmth. At some point in the following minutes I was just barely able to unlock my phone and navigate to Spotify to try playing some music, with chromatic aberration so strong it added multiple extra lines for each letter and icon, everything drifting on the screen.
I managed to get up to turn off the lights, barely able to stand and immediately threw myself back into bed once I did, having a good sense of where I was and being able to navigate my room while functionally blind. My vision was completely covered by shimmering, extremely saturated and brightly colored geometry, all morphing between various natural shapes. I didn’t feel any of the DXM dissociated headspace, but I could feel the physical effects from the DXM in terms of the motor control and warmth. I felt extremely physically comfortable, as if my body was floating, with the tactile stimulation of the blanket laying over me. Gravity was not my weakness and all I could do was watch as the tracers, drifting and geometry caused my room to melt around me.
I felt like I needed to talk to somebody, and tried to navigate Discord, but the most coherent words I could form at the time were describing how I felt I had been turned into crumbs.
I hadn’t said anything else up until this point, but I think that thinking about the plane crash got me into a thought loop, and started questioning what my relationship really was to other people. How I felt I was living a lie to everyone I met, wearing a different mask depending on who I talked to. Faking everything until I made it work.
I couldn’t comprehend who I was supposed to be, or who I had become. How I had crafted this persona and person to be around people, and fit myself into that shape. I couldn’t comprehend and didn’t want to understand that I had to get a job again, pay rent and just live until I died. Didn’t want to keep on working just so I could live and then die, I’d rather skip right to the last step.
The reality of how I interacted with other people and who saw me as what, was entirely slapping me. I felt like no matter who knew me, they all got some variation of the same lie. I had just built a character and lived in a simulation, in the moment, trying to come up with my own role.
I had constructed this character out of lies and felt like everything about me was a lie. I didn’t want to accept that I had to just go and live as this person I had made. I hated the idea of living as someone, and working until I died. I wanted to throw the concepts of relationships and other people out the window, throw out the concept of enjoyment, skip straight to the last step and die.
I’d been keeping everything on the backburner, putting everything off until later, until I fucked around and found out, until whatever it was I had put off caught up to me. I understood it wasn’t sustainable, but this is how I had lived up until now. I’d built a life and character where I procrastinated everything until it was too late to change. I had been living in the moment for so long with so much always on the backburner that I had never given myself a chance to plan ahead.
I couldn’t seem to find a reason to keep going, keep on living, no matter the person who I was or who I could craft. I didn’t want to become this person I had constructed. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life, and didn’t want to accept that I just had to keep on living. I didn’t know where to go from here, and didn’t believe I was really playing the person I was. I didn’t want to accept that this is what I had been given, and who I had made.
I felt like I had crafted this person out of lies and didn’t see a reason to keep going, pushing up a mountain. I didn’t want to keep going, and was heavily contemplating suicide. Envisioning driving a knife into my chest, letting the people in my life continue living their stories without me. I wanted out, out of this life I had made, but I also didn’t want to be someone else’s burden, someone else’s body, to take care of. I felt completely worthless, and insignificant spec in the world with no reason to go on. Everyone who knew me, knew me as some version of a lie, so why should their relationship matter to me if they didn’t know me?
I’d built this persona and decided to live in it, and refused to accept that. I wished it could be as simple as being a frog and sitting on a leaf for the rest of my life, with nothing else to worry about. No hidden anxiety that I masked on a daily basis, put off for later. No burdens or promises or words. No procrastinating or thinking, or figuring out my life as I went along instead of ahead of time.
I’d been crying for a few hours, and just wishing it would all end. Wishing I could go to sleep and process these emotions and thoughts later. I was still extremely comfortable physically, and saw fascinating visuals, but I was too emotionally distraught to enjoy them and instead ignored them and tried to sleep.
I finally felt some of the stronger psychedelic effects wearing off, along with the stimulation and dissociation, and was able to start drifting to sleep.
Conclusion / Aftermath
I woke up at around 08-ish. Laid in bed for a few hours, still crying and trying to process what I had thought about. Eventually ate some food to try to feel more alive, physically dissociated. Even as I’m typing this up at 12:xx ish I’m still crying. Trying to make plans for the future to process and work on what I thought needed to be changed. Hopefully come up with a more concrete idea of what I want out of life, and stop putting everything off until later. This was the first actually challenging trip I’ve had, and forced me to think a lot about myself, and I feel it’s significantly changed the paths I take in the future.